It's hard to believe a year has gone by since I delivered Marabeth. The picture taken above was on November 13th. I did not realize it at the time, but Marabeth had either passed, or would be passing soon. I am not exactly sure of the moment that she passed, but I think what I knew in my heart I didn't want to believe until my doctor confirmed that she was in fact gone. I had felt a weird sensation a few days prior. The day we found out she was gone was on November 16th. I can still remember the details like it was yesterday. My doctor was running behind, so her PA came in to listen for her heartbeat. The quick, loud sounds that you normally hear, were slow moving. At first I thought it was Marabeth's heart slowing down. The PA said, "That's your heart beat." She left the room to get my doctor, and I was crying. I remember Rod saying, "I wasn't prepared for that." There is nothing that can prepare you for a moment like that as a parent. At first there was some hope that maybe it was due to all the fluid, but I knew she was gone. I will never forget looking at the sonogram, and seeing a still, lifeless baby on the screen. The baby that I had come to know over the last 21 weeks had gone on to be with Jesus. Rod and I prayed in the car, as tears streamed down. My prayers felt different, because I was praying to a place that Marabeth was.
We waited a couple of days, and then labor was induced on November 18th. The night before delivering her, our close friends and family surprised us by showing up at our front door with candles, singing and prayers. It was a very emotional moment for me. We were so surprised and humbled by the experience. That night we were reminded that we were not the only ones who were heartbroken over losing Marabeth. Although I was carrying her on the inside, our friends and family had carried her on the outside with their prayers, their hope, their love and their support. Each week they hoped for a miracle too. I know I didn't say much that night, because I was so emotional. I do remember saying, "Thank you for loving her so much."
Early in the morning on November 18th, we headed to the hospital to induce labor. As crazy as it sounds I was looking forward to holding Marbeth. I knew it would be a much different experience then anything I could have prepared myself for. After many hours of labor, prayers, tears, and hugs Marabeth left my womb. I will always hold dear the people that came to hold me up during those rough hours. I will never forget the friends and family members that cried with me, the prayers that were spoken, and the love that was felt during the hardest day of my life. As crazy as it sounds, when I look at pictures from that day, I am sad that day is over. I don't want to live it over again, but it makes me sad that the baby that I felt in my tummy, I will never come to know. I wanted to take a look back with some pictures from that day....
One of the many prayers spoken that night. We were all so tired, and so emotional. This was a prayer spoken shortly before I delivered Marabeth.
Marabeths' weight
1 pound 7 oz
The things with Marabeth's name on them will always be dear to me.
The only outfit she ever wore...
The nurses who cared for her.
Sweet footprints and handprints
My sweet girls were sick while I delivered their sister. Aubrey had a double ear infection and a respiratory infection. Ryleigh would soon catch RSV.
Family Photos
This picture make my breaks my heart. It's obvious to me the girls don't feel good!
I love this picture of Ryleigh and I!
I think Tami cried almost as much as me that day.
This picture always touches me. This is my sweet friend Chelsea who lost her son Chase at 36 weeks. She has since started His Chase, which is changing so many kids lives in Africa. She has also adopted an adorable boy from Africa named Gabe.
All the friends who slept very little to be there for me during a rough 24 hours.
I was so glad to have so much support and love from family and friends.
Rod and I were not really prepared for what we saw when Marabeth was born. I figured there would be some differences, but I didn't realize how different she would look. In some ways that made things so much harder for me, but at the same time it was a reminder that she was not where she needed to be. Rod and I had a little bit of time together after delivering Marabeth, before we allowed others to come in and see her. We both were comforted by our heavenly father during those moments. I pictured God holding Marabeth, smiling, and rocking her in heaven. He was letting me know she was okay.
Although, we had very few hours with Marabeth before saying goodbye, we both knew when that time had come. Her body changed more and more as the day went on. It was a good reminder to me on how temporary of a home this is for us. "This world is not my home, I'm just a passing through...."
I will forever love you Marabeth, and I look forward to seeing you in heaven one day. You took a piece of me with you to heaven, and I look forward to the day when we are reunited again. I love you so much.
Just a few days after delivering Marabeth, Ryleigh was in the hospital with RSV. It actually was on Thanksgiving Day, November 24. When Ryleigh was admitted into the hospital, I was forced to get out of bed, and take care of the daughters that needed me. I definitely did not want to be there, but I am grateful for the way God reminded me that he was taking care of our heavenly daughter, and I needed to take care of the ones here on earth.
A year later.......
This Fall has been such a time of redemption, and renewal. Our girls have been pretty healthy with no hospital visits. I have had a wonderful pregnancy to celebrate, and Marabeth's legacy lives on...
On November 18th we wanted to celebrate Marabeth's life with a balloon release. We released the balloons at the same park where I had maternity pictures a year ago. Friends and family members were able to write messages to her on a balloon before we released them into the sky. Rod and I spoke and gave honor to her, as well as her new sister! I truly felt as though Marabeth was honored. I loved reading all the sweet messages on the balloons. So precious!
Isabelle looking at Marabeth's Memory Box
It was important to me to have rainbow colored balloons released, because rainbows always make me think of Marabeth. A rainbow to me is like getting a glimpse of heaven. I find comfort when I see them, like they somehow are a message from Marabeth saying, "I am okay Mom, can't wait till you get here."
An important piece of the Balloon Release was also announcing the name of our sweet baby girl. Rod and I really took our time until we came up with a name that was fitting for this baby. We could not come up with a name that we felt fit. When Rod was out hunting one weekend, he and I were communicating back and forth over texting. When Rod said "What about Hannah Beth?" I actually started crying. I knew that was the perfect name, and the name that this girl was supposed to have.We have chosen to name her Hannah, taken from the Bible. I feel a connection to Hannah and her longing to carry a baby. I know that her story and mine are very different, but I too prayed to God for a healthy baby. We love the scripture 1 Samuel 1:27-28 "I prayed for this child, and the Lord has given me what I asked of him". Hannah also means "favor with God", or "Grace with God." We have definitely felt that throughout this pregnancy.We have chosen to name Hannah's middle name Beth after her sister Marabeth. Elizabeth means "oath of God", and also is very significant because of who she is named after. Hannah would not be apart of our story if it wasn't for Marabeth. She will always be our "rainbow baby".
These girls are so excited!
We are so excited to annouce that Marabeth's well is completely funded! We are so excited about the ways in which Marabeth's legacy has lived on. We have only barely dug into what we feel her story will be, but we are grateful for the ways in which she has already impacted lives! God is so good!
