I have been anxious about writing this post for so long. I actually wrote it last night, but forgot to post it. Today we had the service that celebrated Marabeth's life. I will share more about that later. Before I begin writing about Marabeth, I wanted everyone to know, Ryleigh is doing much better! She is off of oxygen, and doing well. Both of our girls will be getting tubes in their ears next week. Our Pulmonologist is working on getting Ryleigh RSV shots for the rest of the winter season. We are praying that happens!
Three weeks ago today, I was at the hospital waiting to deliver Marabeth.I had such a mixture of emotions, knowing I would deliver a baby I would never get to know. I wish so badly I could go back to that day now. Going back to that day would mean another moment with Marabeth, another moment to hold her, another minute to see her tiny little hands.
So many of you came to give your support and encouragement throughout the labor process. It was very uncomfortable at times, and you helped the time go by faster.For those of you who couldn't be there, your prayers from home were greatly appreciated. I was so certain the labor would go quickly, but I was definitely wrong. That became clear as the day went on. Some of you were there all day and into the middle of the night. I will never forget you waiting it out, praying with me, crying with me, and comforting me during such a difficult time.
Many times throughout the night, I thought it was time to push, only to find out I was wrong. Luckily, we had a sweet nurse, who was willing to do whatever we needed. The epidural was only working on one side of body, so I had to keep getting more and more medicine. As the time drew near to deliver Marabeth, I cried as I prayed with family and friends, knowing that delivering Marabeth would mean saying goodbye to the baby I had come to know in my belly. Those sweet prayers will forever be dear to my heart.
At 6:38 am on November 19th, I delivered Marabeth. She weighed 1 pound 7 ounces. Once again, it made my heart break not to hear a sweet baby cry, not to hold a warm baby in my arms, not to see two innocent little eyes looking up at me. We were warned we needed to take some time before we saw Marabeth. The hydrops on one side of her head had ruptured during the delivery. She was swollen all over. Seeing Marabeth was not easy, she looked less like a baby than I had hoped. However, God was so very present in the room. I could feel his presence all day long, holding me up, giving me strength, wrapping his arms around me. As I held our sweet baby, I cried as I closed my eyes, and all I could see was Jesus holding her in his arms, smiling his biggest smile imaginable, and shaking his head yes. I felt as if he was saying, "Yes, Mom she is okay. I am taking care of her. She is in good hands."I love the verse "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14.
The hours after delivering Marabeth went very quickly. I will never forget those of you who shared that day with me. It's something I will hold in my heart forever. The prayers after Marabeth was born were so comforting to me. Our photographer said, "God was so present in the room, you could feel it." I love all of you so much.
It was hard to say goodbye to Marabeth, but at the same time I want to remember a different Marabeth than the one I saw. She is perfect in heaven, running around with her little Aubrey and Ryleigh lips, and sweet little smile.
I miss her so much. At times it hits me out of no where, and I feel that stab in my stomach. The other day, I had a feeling in my stomach that reminded me of Marabeth's movement. It made my heart ache. I can't ever get those moments back. I am never going to get to see Marabeth have her first day of school, her first date, graduation, wedding, etc.. It stings. A parent should never have to experience the loss of a child. There is nothing like it. I was talking to Aubrey about it, and told her Mommy wasn't pregnant anymore, Marabeth was in heaven. Aubrey said, "Oh, my baby is in heaven too." Sweet girl.
I look forward to the day I get to hold Marabeth in heaven. Although her life was way too short, her legacy will live on here on earth. Her life has purpose, although she is not here to experience it. I can't wait to see how many lives are touched through her.
I love you so much Marabeth. I wish you were here. I would give anything to have a sleepless night with you. I wish I had the opportunity to rock you to sleep, sing you a goodnight song, give you a sweet baby bath. I will never ever forget the first time I felt you move. You kicked so hard I jumped off the couch! Although, you could not survive this world, you had so much fight in you. I am so proud of you Marabeth. You tried so hard to survive, but you are at peace now with the Lord. My love for you is so deep, and I wish you were here to experience it.
God be with you till we meet again;
by his counsels guide, uphold you,
with his sheep securely fold you;
God be with you till we meet again.
Till we meet, till we meet,
till we meet at Jesus' feet;
till we meet, till we meet,
God be with you till we meet again.
I love you, today, tomorrow, and always-Mom
There are some pictures from Marabeth's journey that I have yet to share, and I wanted make sure I didn't forget about them!
The pictures below are from the Night of Prayer we had on October 10, right after finding out Marbeth's survival was not likely at our 16 week Sonogram. From the beginning, our friends poured into us with their prayers and love. Without our family, friends and faith, I would not be where I am today.
This was the night (November 7) I shared with the family Marabeth's name, and what it meant. It felt good to share with the family a name that I felt had so much significance.
The night before we delivered Marabeth, we had dear friends come and pray for us, sing songs of praise, and offer hugs, and their love. It gave me so much strength the next day, as we started the labor process. It was unforgettable.
This was the last picture of Rod and I at home with Marabeth before delivery.
In the hospital, they put a flower on the door, for those in a situation similiar to mine. The nurses are then aware of the situation, and are extra senstive to the patient.
This was a sweet prayer with my family before we delivered Marabeth.
Here is a picture of Ryleigh's weight.
I was so glad we were able to get some of her blankets monogrammed ahead of time.
This was the outfit Marabeth wore.
We had such incredible nurses the entire time.
I love these precious pictures of Marabeth's footprints.
Aubrey and Ryleigh were not feeling good while we were in the hospital, they were such troopers.
This one is one of my favorites
All of our family was there to lift us up and love on us.
Oh how I love my twin sister!
It meant so much to me to have such dear friends there for Marabeth's Delivery
This prayer was so special to me! God was so present in all of our prayers, in a way I have never felt before!
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18
I love this one of all our hands
Chelsea and I share a special bond, and I am so grateful for her.
Our day with Marabeth would not have been the same without our close friends and family there. We love you all so much.
We love you Dr. Hartley!
Marabeth you will forever be apart of our lives.
It was such a blessing to have my good friend Angela Faris take pictures of our family with Marabeth, just a few days before I lost her. Thank you Angela for giving us a memory we will have for a lifetime.
Thank you all for your prayers, your love, your encouragement, throughout this journey with Marabeth. We appreciate it more than you know. We love you all!
-Kam
